Bouts of Doubts- An Asian Psycho Story


“He is Arius, an Italian. Founder of a sect called Arian who believed that Christ is not divine. It does not state here why they renounced Christ’s divinity but Arius’s face became a symbol of enlightenment to his followers the world over.” Said Daniela downloading the image for her files.

“Can you go back to the site where the group portrait of oldies were?” said Rigor setting aside his food and swig the last of his wine. Daniela finished downloading the image and got back easily to previous site. Going straight to the group portrait, scanning them individually from top to bottom, left to right. She knew what was on Rigor’s mind and he was right. Daniela magnified the one sitting on third row of bleachers on endmost left. Ten times magnification revealed a much younger Arius. His hair a dirty black and grey, his eyes judgmental and discriminating.

” A daily toil must have stressed his younger years. You know a tired thinking soul searching endlessly for truth. I like the sketch well, his silvery mane seemed glorious. His eyes serene and facial lines add dignity to his persona. An aura of an enlightened.” Said Daniela wishful she could achieve such nirvana. “If he’d been a member in his younger years under the original emblem; stone sculpture of enlightenment symbol then why he had to build his own? Was there a backlash happened? Or a conflict on ideologies maybe?” asked Daniela with an expression on her face that told Rigor she meant the question be answered as she doesn’t have any.

“Back there at the lab of the fixer, he told me about the quest been going on for thousands of years. More and more people were seeking for truth and this group provided them efficiently but then as generations changing, the group sought the need for reinvention but keeping the faith. Many reasons and ways of finding it but the end all be all is the truth of our existence, thus the symbol evolved to many forms but to mean one thing- enlightenment. Therefore, the group didn’t disband; they cater to every soul’s needs in a unified truth.” Said Rigor under his hard breathing. “They separated because they are to spread the truth. Despite the Inquisition, the group remained steadfast to their cause; the original group split to forty groups to build their own sect under the new banner but conformed to the old faith and thus borne several enlightenment symbols. It was forty ancient enlightenment symbols, some almost identical and some obscured the eye of the Inquisitor. The fixer’s own word was a parallel search and that everyone helping us has same cause as ours and the adversary of our cause are the spawned entity of the chaos the evil had started. Evil’s army, the Inquisitor and all the other instigators of present times continued evil’s wrath. To sum up, the evil’s advocates had also established their truth that contradicted that of the Council. The Council and its allies since then pursued on all plausible ways of reaching nirvana for its subordinates. For centuries, system of governments had been established all aiming for the betterment of its people but the evil’s advocates were as determined to destroy what had been the Council’s people put in order. The search of both parties brought forth order and chaos.” Finished Rigor revealing what seemed unknown to Daniela.

“The fixer told you all that?” asked Daniela whose amazement was evident on her brown eyes. At least Rigor could still see through to Daniela’s only real outer appearance then.

“I drew conclusion from his observations.” Said Rigor who opt not to explain further for he said too much. His eyes which also is the only real thing of his outer appearance convinced her to believe him. It’s difficult to convince her whenever she’s having what she claim to be nerdy/genius attack when in fact she’s having an episode of panic attack which somehow causes her brain to propel to such new heights of anxiety.

“Of course yes, you were both right and I believe the whole of Heliopolis still hoping for a New Aeon, that’s what been all about. A New Aeon will put end to these endless war that no government or kingdom can ever resolve. The chaos had been part of our lives we became accustomed to it. We need someone who could lead us to order. The one whose life been torn between order and chaos and you are highly likely to be a candidate. The Queen and I knew that.” Said Daniela who sighed heavily preparing herself to say something important as of someone clearing throat before a speech. She wanted herself be heard loud and clear. “I believe the goat, ram and sheep has nothing to do with the enlightenment but those had led us to the Arian sect. The Queen wanted us to know that divinity is within reach and that is not a sole quality one has to posses for deitification. Whether it’d been proven the Christ is divine or not; still, Christ’s holiness endure up to this time and forever it will if there would be no New Aeon. Gods and goddesses of the past been deitified because they posses god like omnipotence. Buddha, Lord Shiva among others were no exceptions.

Mortals been canonized and became saints but Christ suffered to unite and direct them on believing in the omnipotent. Charisma had made the Christ an Aeon convincing generations of people toward one faith. A faith to the almighty One of so many names every religion had made for themselves. Rigor, do you get what I’m trying to point out? A modern world needs New Aeon to bring them back to believing in the Almighty One. The Council failed in the past. Isis, the Matriarchal Aeon failed and was replaced by Osiris, the Patriarchal Aeon who also failed restoring Order. The Christ, Aeon for thousands of years seemed promising. He inculcated hope in everyone’s heart that someday everything will be alright. He pioneered in every human aspect of love, healing, joy and wisdom. This made Him closer to human’s heart and won their soul. Other gods failed because they posses singly either power of love, healing, joy, wisdom among others. Commonly, Aeon had become mortals. Osiris was well loved above other Egyptian gods for He promises salvation among his people. Same goes with the Christ. I mean, Rigor your impending deitification gives way to your becoming human. Osiris, Isis, the Christ followed the same pattern. Osiris and Isis had to reincarnate among the Pharaohs. The Christ became human through divine intervention. In the end of my litany as always I have to say we need a New Aeon for chaos still reigned, just look around you.” Said Daniela who wanted Rigor be enthusiastic as she was, not failing to fill her eyes with awe. “I’m not saying the Christ failed but I want the evil be stop once and for all.”                     

“Yes and they have done so much and I haven’t.” Said Rigor whose unwillingness seemed to pull him down again.

Rigor realized right there and then Daniela is still stucked into deepest pit of shit; of anxiety, depression, and mental illness no one dared naming. Her case is one of the rarest though she’s aware and can recall everything that happened during episodes of attack that earned admiration from Rigor, though it’s still a mystery what triggers her heightened sense; be it substance induced or any other causes is unresolved. He’s happy he learned to fit in her shoes as she would have to fit in Queen’s shoes. One of mental illness and excess- of affluenza.

‘He couldn’t blame me to doubt sometimes his participation in this quest, he seemed uncooperative at times,’ thought Daniela to herself. ‘But he’s still with me, that’s the most important thing.’ She smiled to Rigor knowing they had accomplished something before the day ended. She felt most fulfilled when puzzles on her mind partly cleared. ‘Soon, we’ll be able to see the whole picture,’ she promised herself closing her tired eyes. Rigor yawned, he too felt tired. A loud clinking noise of plates and silver platter told he wanted to be in bed as everything became heavy. He’s a bit drowsy. She put the laptop off properly and they went for bed separately as there’s two. Obviously, they wanted to do nothing but sleep.

Next morning, Rigor got a call from Perfumery’s Human Resources Department. He was to report for training while Daniela was ready for work.

“I always knew you’ll make it.” Said Daniela rushing out their door for a lift. “See you later at your work, I’ll be off early.”

Rigor did his morning routine hastily. He wanted to make a good start by showing up early. Besides, the ever gentrified Makati and rising BGC are both fast pace, he had to make himself attune to it or else, he’ll be left behind.

The training room was packed that, Rigor stood out from other trainee that the trainer always cited him an example as Department Stores employee’s image must be. Ms. Fullesse, the trainer elaborately discussed the Department Store’s History; it took almost an hour to complete the course and that she made it known she had a big crush for Rigor, though not directly but that’s what she’s implying by Rigor being a future front liner of Department Store’s Perfumery.

He put on a good impression among his co- trainee by participating on a discussion. Of course, the trainer let him do the talking because she wanted to know more about him. He felt a little awkward being the center of attention but he had to play on for the easy establishing of his own objective later. ‘For now, let the Dept. Store’s objective comes first,’ he told himself.

“As a fragrance consultant, one need to understand a product well. The scents of course play a big part on making bucks but sharing to the customers the essence of the whole package will make them treasure the perfume as of precious gems. We have to look at it from the perspective of the maker and we’ll be surprise to know there’s something more to it than an exotic ingredient which grows in the Himalayas or the high profile eponym it bore.” Said Rigor to the question raised by the trainer.

“Impressive, and contrary to popular belief, they differ from each other as their maker differ from philosophies. That’s what made them interesting. Now, supported by millions of dollars worth of ads campaign on all media available, what can you contribute to what Rigor said buck making?” asked Ms. Fullesse but no one dared to raise hands as she again obviously wanted to know only Rigor’s opinion. She started at him flirting as if they’re alone in the room. Somehow, she was inert waiting fro his answer.

“Building rapport with the customer is really important. We need to attend on their needs, knowing what they want is our goal. We have to ensure that each customer walked out our door a satisfied one to lure them of coming back. Besides, they are the reason why we’re here.” Said Rigor confidently.

Well said Mr. Yapi I believe you are all ready. Now, people at the front row, get one hands-out and pass it to your back. We’re through with the Code of Conduct and Dept. Store’s History. Kindly flip through the Security and Safety. Mr. Barrido, OIC of the security will be here to assists what to do in an emergency situation. I’ll be meeting you all at the employee’s cafeteria beside the administration office at the basement. Kindly refer to your egress plan. Mr. Yapi lead the group afterwards.” she said in a soft voice; eyelids fluttering. The room went silent and still, shifting their gaze to Rigor’s fixed smile that was cut by Ms. Fullesse’s bellowing.

Everyone! Listen to what Mr. Barrido says, he’s a bit tough to your every misdemeanor!” she shouted with her every word ascending as if the louder she got, the more authoritative she will become. She gathered her things while everyone was in complete inertia and she hastily headed for the door. Her stomping echoed the hall outside and when it ceased, kinetics around the room resumed. Someone checked outside and signaled everyone it was safe.

“What’s wrong with her? First, she’s a fine lady, next minute she’s a smoldering beast. She’s so unfit for the store’s image.” said the gay trainee instigating the others to hate her.

“Tell that to her face………Toni………” said the salesman named Paul referring to the gay’s nameplate.”And you’ll never know what’s this store all about. We’re lucky to have Rigor around for he can tame the beast within her and can bring out the amorous that she is.” He said imitating Toni’s girly akimbo and fingers flicked in the air and extended his hand to Rigor the way buddies do complimenting each other. Rigor accepted it and pat his shoulders and let out a laugh. Toni displayed an annoying response by squinting his eyes, frowning and pouting his lips altogether facing Paul.

“Befriend and hang out with the popular ones? So lame to get noticed by pretty girls, it isn’t cool.” Said Toni getting high fives among his gay friends who howled at the mockery and looked at Rigor as if waiting for his discretion as a leader of their batch.

“It seemed they owe you an apology, Paul.” Said Rigor sincerely, his eyes looking emphatic to Paul’s group of bullies and to Toni’s effeminate herd.

“What for man? I offended them? Well, the worl embraced them and with it came respect and recognition. What else do they want?” asked Paul frowning.

“Equality, when they say someone is unfit, then be it without being threatened. So, come on let’s do it.” Said Rigor waiting for Paul to say what could break the womanly heart. The whole room waited but no.

“Alright, man’s ego is hard to let go by the mouth. We just do it. So, everyone grab a partner and seat beside them and make up. Please be a man just like you do with girls.” Said rigor drowned by the deafening cheers from ladies.

“Well, we’re not tough to wear pink or be a gullible to your every request, why not do it first?” snap the other bully.

“We’re cautious of our actions for someone might label us what we’re not and yet we do it to save the day.” Said Rigor advancing to Toni’s direction coupled by a cacophony of boos and cheers. He reached for Toni’s hand and kissed it. “And to get even with the princess.”

Gays were glad and girls were thrilled they grabbed Rigor and hugged him. The bullies motioned for the gays and seat beside them without hesitation as if it was a pre-requisite to get girls on bent knees.

That simple act earned Rigor an admiration from the group. He became an instant hit and will go on so long he remained confident. He felt good at his burgeoning self-esteem. He was unaware he could move people, inspire them. Then everyone seemed to freeze upon hearing the stomping along the hallway. They knew Mr. Barrido was coming, so they’ll behave because that’s what he came for.

Apparently, Ms. Fullesse was right; he’s tough but seemed evident only by his appearance resembling that of Marlboro Country models. His monotonous talk about pilferages, shoplifters, delinquent employees, mystery shoppers and the wall of shame featuring captured petty criminals revealed the simple minded that he was; not tough. Their proper behavior rewarded them early dismissal from security orientation.

As was instructed, Rigor led them down the basement by the exits using the egress plan for guide. Ms. Fullesse had just finished her coffee when they got in at the cafeteria. She tripped on the bench upon getting up the group teased that Rigor’s presence made her jerky. Rigor assumed it’s the caffeine. She approached the group and was pleased by the discipline. They walked abreast each other on flank. She noticed the odd pair of brawny and effeminate. Nonetheless, it’s fine with her.

Continue Here……….

Disclaimer: This journal chronicle events from my past career describing activities on and off salesman’s duties. All events described herein actually happened irrespective of the order the blog was posted. Any resemblance to persons living or dead should be plainly apparent to them and those who know them and that the author is not responsible for any assumptions that may arise; to construe from the fact presented is discouraged as the author is still trying to make sense of it. You may do so at your own risk.

Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links to which i may earn commissions upon your purchase. It will cost you nothing extra but it will help my blog up. 



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